Sick Jokes

[PanzerFaust]

A while back a teacher of mine told a couple jokes about a man with no arms or legs. I was bored and wanted to avoid studying them, so I dug 'em up. Enjoy.
(P.S. If I offended anyone, I'm very sorry, but I didn't come up with these, I just thought they were too funny)


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a fence?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Here's a few I hadn't heard before:

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[Droxor]

I honestly can remmember telling some of these to my parents when I was 4. And that's the honest truth


<3 Panzer

[TheLoneTerran]

Nice work man. That must have taken a while to type but well worth it to read.

[Gunther]

Some oldies but goodies. the jokes at the end were great!

[FloobieDoobie]

What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen bitching at you?
Shorten her chain.

[Rangerr]

(I am going to refrain from actual sick jokes and just go with tasteless humor )

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from an abuse shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

[BigBossMonkey]

Gotta have the blonde jokes

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Another good one;

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

[TheLoneTerran]

Rofl, very nice Monkey. Where'd you get those?

[BigBossMonkey]

Comedy Central joke of the day

[TheLoneTerran]

Sweet, I'm gonna favorite that page.